Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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