I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
