her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you mean i was at the winter classic?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
