im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
