Where is the hickey?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
