I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
