Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
