The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize