i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
