Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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