just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
farters have to be the big spoon...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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