I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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