Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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