The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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