her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
