I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
