im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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