I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
