omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
We had to coat check the pizza.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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