I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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