Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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