Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
