I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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