he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
