I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
