please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Blow job season was short but glorious.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
