it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
