This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
