if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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