All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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