I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
