im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
