I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
