I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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