Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
