You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
