Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I currently don't understand fingers.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
