i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
