You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
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Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
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You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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