I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
