omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
