If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
