What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
this hospital has no fireball
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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