the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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