Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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