have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
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Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We just shotgunned beers for America
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
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I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
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