it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
