so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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