How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
