So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
