Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
