if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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